Inspiration strikes at the weirdest moments, and the inspiration behind this post hit me in the shower. (Side Note: The shower is actually one of my favorite places in the world and I often use it for therapeutic needs when I feel down, though in this case I was just dirty af post work.) Anyways, I didn’t intend to speak to you guys again so soon because I really believe in writing only when inspired, but here we are again!
So in this particular shower, I was reflecting on past flings and friendships but not in a nostalgic way, more so in an analytical way. I was trying to dissect the reasons why these relationships didn’t work out. I came to the conclusion that all of these failed relationships/friendships were because none of these people matched my weird and more importantly none of them accepted it.
Ok, so let me break this down, I am taking the adjective “weird” and magically making it a noun for purposes of this post. By the title of this post, you may have thought that I made a typo but I’m not trying to tell you guys that YOU ARE weird, I’m trying to tell you about YOUR weird as in the weird you posses, that we all posses.
So your weird is the shit you do when your door is locked and you’re alone. For example, I have full ass conversations with myself quite often or I envision scenarios that will likely never happen and do improvisational monologues on how I would react in said situations. Judge me if you want, but I promise, you all do some weird ass shit too and you don’t think its weird cause YOU do it but you’d never try it in public *rolls eyes*. Anyways, as I grow and become more self-aware, I’m starting to pay closer attention to the relationships in my life. Specifically, the reasons why I choose to continue building upon these many friendships. This is key, because once you can pinpoint why it is you keep someone around, it will be very clear why some people are no longer around or should not be around.
Ok, story time; so I was really feelin this guy over a brief period of time but I felt as though I was forcing the chemistry because the sexual attraction was so strong and there were generic qualities that I liked about him. Qualities like; ambition, he had a job/pursuing a degree, respectful blah blah, basically the checklist you have to even begin talking to someone. However, for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why I felt so freaking odd when we would just talk. It was to the point that I would process how I was seated or took a lot of time to decide what to wear. I would stress about the little things. In retrospect, I should’ve known that I wasn’t acting like myself and that clearly something was missing in our forced relationship. Any who, it is now that I realize that the reason I was fidgeting so much was because dude didn’t accept my weird. I felt like I was the entertainment and he was the spectator, and no amount of confidence could remove the feeling that I felt judged.
I want to be very clear that I was not scared to be myself, nor am I ever for that matter and for those who know me, they can all vouch that I am indeed a very open individual (no shit, I have a blog about my life lol). In this situation I felt like I couldn’t be myself because I didn’t feel like my weird was accepted. Imagine you give a performance and everyone in the audience claps but you peep that it’s fake, it’s forced. It’s not even that they didn’t like your performance; they just don’t fuck with it.
Ding Ding Bingo! That’s the major part right there! He may have thought I was cool, smart, pretty ect. but he didn’t accept my weird and that’s why I could never be myself with him, he never had the opportunity to really know me cause I wasn’t being me. If I had acknowledged that issue early on, I could’ve saved myself from a lot of bullshit and wasted time. Often times, I think we get so caught up in the fact that we truly like certain qualities about someone we force a relationship or friendship and ignore that weird judgey vibe we get because the other shit is peachy. That judgey vibe will come back tenfold when you realize that his ambition, as great as it is, isn’t enough to make up for that “wtf bitch” look he gives you when you do some weird shit that is totally 100% you.
Just think about your best friend and why they are your best friend, its because they:
A. Match your weird
B. Accept your weird with open arms
Your best friend is not a spectator at your show, they bought front row seat tickets because their your number one fan.
It’s much easier to be cognizant of people who don’t bring value to your life but its rather challenging to acknowledge when someone you like, doesn’t accept you. People may want to like your weird, but you just don’t click and that’s okay. Don’t force shit, people will like you but not everyone is gona fuck with you *insert hunnid emoji*.
To end with a quote from one of my fave rappers;
“There’s no in-between when its valid.” – Andre 3000
Remember that. Assess your relationships; do they match your weird? If they don’t, do they accept it? Most importantly does your circle like you or do they fuck with you? We are products of our environment and products of the company we keep, pay close attention.
+vibes only, always.