So I know it’s been a minute, but you know life is happening, I’m accomplishing goals and shit and I haven’t had much inspiration to blog but finally after an eventful weekend in D.C, I realized something. I have a crazy horrid habit of continuously doubting myself.
Self-Doubt is a nasty little bitch. It creeps up on you in the worst moments like right before you submit an application or some important ass speech you’re about to give. I find it almost fascinating because it’s one of those things you can really feel coming on kinda like a cold, except it’s not even real, it’s all in our head.
Naturally, I hold myself to a super high standard and do absolutely everything in my power to meet every expectation I set for myself. Here’s the thing about self-doubt though, it’s chronic, you may tackle it one day but the motherfucker is coming back, I promise.
Here I am at the finish line of this whole law school application process and when I reflect back on the beginning of this whole experience, I can honestly say the grand ordeal of applying to law school was significantly more difficult because of how much I doubted myself. Whether it was because of GPA or LSAT score or what to write for my statement, the struggle never ended and the doubt was relentless. I shed a lot of tears on the way to where I am now and while I wish I could go back and tell myself “stop fucking stressing, shits going to work out”, self-doubt as detrimental as it is, is easily one of my biggest motivators.
When you realize that something you fear is going to continuously show up in your life, it doesn’t even make sense to fear it anymore. What do I accomplish in trying to battle my self-doubt if I know it will return? Instead of focusing on telling myself empty motivational phrases that really don’t accomplish anything but a fleeting sense of control, I can take control of my doubt. Despite how I felt about my applications the doubt didn’t stop me from actually submitting the application. Doubt only becomes a real problem when you let it stop you from doing whatever it is you’re having doubts about. Embrace that shit, if I didn’t have doubt would I have worked so hard? Confidence is key but to an extent it’s naïve to think that you’ll be 100% confident in yourself in every endeavor you pursue. Confidence is not the absence of doubt but the courage to keep grinding despite what you feel. The world’s most successful individuals are not necessarily the most confident; they just didn’t let their self-doubt stop them.
Just when I thought I had finally come to terms with a rather pressing issue in my life, I realized I have even more shit to work on. Fast forward to last Friday, I’m sitting at conference table in the Admissions office of one of the law schools I was accepted into and there’s about 10 of us at the table. The woman leading the info session asks us to go around the room and introduce ourselves and say what our status is in relation to the school (accepted, just browsing, or waitlisted). Everyone in the room except for me and another girl who had also been accepted were all on the waitlist. It was in that moment I had to stop and say “well fuck Valerie, look at you”. If there’s one thing I truly need to work on is how to give myself some fucking credit. I get so caught up in my doubt that when I actually do accomplish my goals, I can’t even acknowledge my wins. I’m too busy focusing on what next challenge life will present and subconsciously preparing myself for the next wave of self-doubt that it is sure to bring.
Stop that shit! You know how people always say count your blessings? While you’re at it count your wins too. Pop a bottle, take the time to celebrate yourself, you deserve it.