It’s been a minute since I’ve typed anything other than the facts, issue, holding and reasoning of a case…but here we are once more.

As I’ve articulated on this blog in other posts, life, particularly our deeply roosted issues and desires always manage to creep up on us no matter how busy we become. And let me tell you I am busy.

Lately, and to my demise and sheer detriment, I’ve been wallowing in a recent infatuation with wanting to be in a relationship. Yes, I know good things come to those who wait. Yes, I know focusing on it will only make me more miserable. Yes, I know I have a number of larger concerns going on in my life in which I need to remain focused on. Save me the pseudo comforting lecture or communication of all my other blessings, I don’t need to hear it, I already know.

This current infatuation however, stems from an arguably rational and warranted fear of mine. A fear of not just ending up alone, but being both wildly successful AND alone.

I blame TV. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I reminded them of Molly from Insecure… I would pay HBO to kill her character off the show. Cause I don’t see Molly the lawyer or Molly the financially comfortable woman. I see; Molly the user of elite dating sites, Molly the third wheel, Molly on cringe worthy dates, Molly the idiot buying lingerie for a married man. Molly is who I never want to be.

Successful Black & LONELY women are all over the few TV shows we inhabit (Scandal, Being Mary Jane, Insecure, How to Get Away With Murder). All of these programs center around women who’s professional lives, albeit busy and full of carefully timed dramatic twists, are straight up bosses in their respective fields. But their love lives? Straight trash.

We got one woman attempting a fertility treatment on National TV cause she ain’t got no man to get pregnant with and another in a relationship with the leader of the free world. They need to change these genres from comedy and drama to fucking horror.

Granted, it’s a blessing to see goal attaining strong Black woman represented in television but why does strong and successful always have to equate to single and lonely?

It’s not that these women are not searching for love or focusing too much on their careers. It’s that success places you in a completely unique and minuscule bracket. A bracket that may be intimidating to other men, and as a result, limits your pool of potential partners.

Like many other women, having a child is super high on my goals list but raising this child with its father (as my partner) is even higher. Thus, in our 20’s we become well aware of this biological clock and consciously make choices surrounded with these goals in mind.

However, my goals surrounding my professional endeavors are pretty much right in line with my personal ones and I feel pressured. Pressured to use my time wisely. Pressured to remain constantly aware of my choices in relationships and flings. Pressured to not make dumb mistakes but time conscious strategic ones. Pressured to lower my standards and give chances to men I would never give any attention to. And pressured because each passing year of achieving professional goals, is another year I get farther and farther from what I truly want out of life.

I acknowledge that this is unhealthy behavior but am I wrong to feel this way? My price went up and I intend for it to rise exponentially but should that mean that the more success I garner, the more I alienate myself from ever finding compatibility?

The more and more I give attention to this fear, the more doomed I feel. Despite these recurring thoughts, reprieve is present in remembering that the pursuit of happiness is not a journey that has a final destination but is ongoing. So instead of focusing on trying to change your situation, just be in it, adapt, and pursue your happiness within these boundaries.

 
+vibes, always.

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